Cherry on Top

I have taken a couple days off of writing. I've picked up my laptop so many times within the last couple of days, but have just put it right back down (either that or I find myself perusing aimlessly through Amazon and Pinterest, I'm sure you've never done the same). You could probably understand, considering that my collegiate volleyball career ended one game sooner than I would have chosen it to end.

Would have chosen.... Interesting how that worked out. Let's say Baylor University won the national championship, like I had planned. Okay then what? Well, we would have celebrated for about a couple weeks and the team would go right back to training for another title. Then what? About ten years later, if you asked someone who won the national title in 2019, they would either have absolutely no idea or they would have to think super hard to come up with a really good guess.

For these reasons, I'm not broken over our loss. I actually wouldn't have rather gone down any other way. Kinda silly right? I know.. Hear me out.

I have been taking extra time during my mornings and sometimes throughout my days to just sit in silence, think, talk to God, listen, and just BE. Because of this time, I was able to be completely in the moment during the game. I noticed every little thing, took in every little moment. I looked over the layers and layers of people watching us play, I watched my teammates smiles during the warmup, and I enjoyed every single smile and laugh I witnessed throughout the night. I was in another world.

As the match went on, I felt something a little off in the flow of our play. We weren't vibing together, we weren't in each other's minds, we weren't moving together, and boy did we know it. We had our moments of connection and ease, but the rest of the game was spent trying to get back to that feeling of fluidity together. We were being challenged and simply did not execute enough to come out on top.

As the match-point ball was thrown into the air, a feeling of resounding peace moved over me. I was about to be a retired volleyball player, so you'd think I'd be freaking out at least a little. Not at all.

The only thing I felt was peace. I had overcome so much and had fought so hard throughout my career to try to do something great, but the whole time I never realized that I didn't have to fight. I walked into the gym every day fighting to change my own destiny, to change my team's destiny. "If only I could hit .300", "If only we went undefeated in conference", "If only we win a national championship"... THEN I will feel like I have accomplished something great.

I was so wrong. The truth is, every single time we beat a super talented opponent, were ranked #1 in the country, and even when we were named Big12 champions and were making confetti angels, I almost had to fake my excitement, force a smile for a little longer than was genuine. Surprising maybe? Yeah me too.. I had dreamed of these moments during my whole career, but when they came.. Crickets.

The things that truly brought me happiness were things you would never expect me to even notice. I remember a specific practice in the middle of October especially. We have so much fun in practice, regardless of the drill, but this memory really stuck out to me.

Hannah Fluegel was running for a serve receive ball that someone had shanked off the court. She made an attempt to save the ball over her shoulders, but ended up tripping and falling flat on her face, rolling over the ball she was attempting to save. We were all in shock. She gathered herself and shot up with the ball, only to chuck it straight to the floor in frustration.

If you know how competitive Fluegel is, you would also understand how much we all laughed when we witnessed the scene. I believe I was on the floor, completed incapable of standing because I was laughing so hard. We all got up and went into our circle. Hannah was laughing just as hard as everyone else. When we all got together in our circle, time stopped and all I could see was Hannah's smile and the sparkle in her eyes.

It was the craziest feeling of overwhelming joy, far greater than any wins or accolades we had earned as a team could ever give me.

I had so many of these moments during my time as a Baylor Bear. You know those moments when time just seems to stand still and you look at everyone around you to enjoy the moment together?

Interesting how that works. Instead of continuing to watch the thing that makes us smile or leaves us in wonder, we look to those around us to see if they're smiling too. How powerful is that.

With this in mind, after the last whistle of our semifinal match, we grabbed the hands of Wisconsin players and gathered together to pray.

In that moment, time stood still again. Not because I was devastated and not because I realized my career was over. Time stood still because, in our lowest moment, we are able to all be together, after months of pain, sweat, and tears, talking to Jesus with the athletes that ended our season and my senior year.

I've never felt more satisfied after a loss.

Tears were shed because I realized my time with such an amazing group of girls was over, but that brings me into sharing some of my next steps!

I will be training with the Baylor volleyball team all Spring as a washed-up senior ;). I am planning on starting my professional career in the fall, so I will need all the gym time I can get!

Throughout the Spring and Summer, I will be working to completely transform myself as an athlete, mentally and physically. I hope to get a lot more lean and gain a couple inches on my vertical jump.

Join me on my journey!

Until next time :)